white wallWe have lived in the same apartment for about 6 years. I hate it.

I suppose I should put a disclaimer on here, because I know I am going to sound ungrateful. So, please, read all the way through before you judge too harshly. Or, judge away, I know, it’s a bit of a rant.

When we first moved here, it was a great space. It was perfect for our transition to calling Tennessee home. We have a pool and a gym. People trim the hedges and fix my dishwasher the minute it is making a funny noise. All good things. Until, you don’t want to be in the space any more.

Nothing has a place. Well, things have places, they just don’t make sense because there are not enough cupboards. The carpet needed to be replaced when we moved in. It’s worn apartment carpet that after 6 years of kids, dogs and life is in desperate need of replacing. Did I mention the walls are white? Everything is white. It’s institutional.

I don’t know when it happened or how exactly, but the temporary arrangement became where we live. And every year our lease needs to be signed and we say “one more year.” I won’t go into all of the reasons for staying, but we are here and that is our reality.

I have always said that it doesn’t matter what four walls surround your family, that home is about being with the people who you love the most in the world. I believe that, I believe in the health of a loving family. I don’t think it matters the financial circumstances or the neighborhood. Life and home are about the ones we share it with.

But sometimes, I think the physical place we are in can help or harm us. Does it inspire you to create? Does the sun ever shine through the windows? Is it warm?

As I consider the institutional white and my lifetime of paper clutter, I wonder if my lack of care has caused some of my problems. I’m not going to make excuses. I am acknowledging my behaviors. At some point, I stopped considering this a home and I started resenting the white walls. I do just enough to get by here.

Waiting, I wait for the “reality” to change. I want to pack it all up and start fresh with new carpet and newly painted rooms.

As I consider my goal to clean the clutter, I’m asking myself….. “Do you want to take it with you?”

While I can throw away the junk mail, I can shred and file away the paper, am I going to change the part of me that lets it all go when it’s not the perfect situation?